Table for One
by Jackie DeBellis
We are always told we have to love ourselves. Anyone ever wonder how? Where is the course in school that teaches us how to build our own self esteem? They say sports help and positive reinforcement from family, friends, teachers, but where is our mental part in it, beyond the physical self-care? Where is the participation in the growth of loving ourselves?
Table for One
Ever sit at a table in a restaurant, by yourself? My first trip away from home was the ice breaker in the “table for one” scenario, and it was on accident. Typically I would eat at the bar, pass through the newspaper real quick for some possible speaking topics and hope I didn’t look like a total social outcast; but the restaurant I selected this particular night had no bar. They sat me at a table set for four and slowly removed the plates, silverware and glasses from around me. I didn’t have my phone or something to distract me – and like a ton of bricks the loneliness and self-deprecation consumed me. Should I run? Should I get up a go? I found out I was full of fear – not so much of myself but of what people would think. What is wrong with her? Is she so boring and brutal no one wants to eat with her? The lies I told myself bombarded my head and finally I said: “No!”. I nearly yelled it. I will not. I will learn to embrace it – and at last I made the decision to fight back against the destructive lies I tell myself.
Who’s job is it
At dinner I learned an invaluable lesson – it dawned on me – that the only person that will always be around – all 24 hours, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, for the rest of my life will be me, so I better stop beating myself up and learn how to build myself up. I could no longer rely on friends, family and others to do it, since they won’t always be there. I had to learn to do it myself, I had to learn to fully participate in my self-esteem. Upon this revelation, I ordered a full four course meal. I was determined to enjoy it, every last bite as well as my own company.
Self “Esteemation”
In my head I made two lists; 10 things I love about myself (nonphysical of course) and 10 things I wanted to improve. The first list took every bit of those first three courses, while the second list was done in the time it took to make the cappuccino. I listed things like “relatively nice”, “sort of intelligent”, “moxy”, “funny at times”. I was afraid to feed my ego, but the truth is, this part of my ego needing feeding. I needed a right size perspective of myself, not just a destroyed one. Since then, I’ve practiced this act of self “esteemation”; and on days where I am particularly brutal on myself I make it a point to write it down – prove it on paper, as well as help someone to get me out of thinking about me. I found I am my own worst enemy – but I get the privilege of being my own cheerleader as well.
