Searching for ‘The One’
“So, he just texted back – shall I read it to you? He said, “See you soon x”. What do you think that means? How soon is “soon”? Because I have plans this weekend – should I cancel them just in case? Shall I write back and suggest a day? No, that looks too keen. But if I don’t, maybe he’ll ask me out on a night when I’m busy. He will ask me out, right? He wouldn’t have written added that “x” otherwise, would he?”
With every online match, and each dating app alert, my heart leapt – could this be…’The One’? Pulse racing, hands shaking, thinking of the perfect message, the make or break greeting that could be the difference between happy-ever-after and another night sobbing into a gin and tonic.
My self-belief, self-worth, and just about my entire self, depended on someone else – the elusive, magical, rare-as-unicorn-shit ‘One’. I couldn’t understand it – I had put myself out there, joined various clubs, ventured into bars, threw money at flirting workshops, spent days pouring over self-help books and evenings curating the pitch-perfect online dating profile. Where. Was. He?
The great escape
My life was a complex jigsaw with one vital piece missing. Once I found it, everything would click into place, right? Frustrated, fatigued and fragile, I needed a break – something to wake me up from this self-induced coma. I wanted adventure, exploration, discovery. Turns out, the universe was listening, and served up a great escape in the form of an unexpected work trip, with some holiday time thrown in for good measure.
Cue Jordan, with its ancient rock-carved city, mineral-rich sea, and glowing desert wilderness. I camped out under the stars, scaled vast rock faces, and adventured into Bedouin caves. By taxi, jeep, donkey and camel, I traversed unfamiliar terrains, and navigated curious cultural landscapes.
On my travels I met families, couples, colleagues, friends – all adventuring together. But this girl was going solo. I spent hours in my own company staring hard at the thing I was most afraid of: being alone. And I realised – being alone and loneliness are two very different things, and it was loneliness that was the killer. Yes, I was alone – labeled a ‘singleton’ by society – but was I lonely?
Every day was one more achievement unlocked, one more reason for celebration – I was here, I was alive, I was seizing so many moments I couldn’t keep track of them all. What did I think a relationship with someone else would offer me, that I couldn’t find, give, gift or satisfy myself?
Pressing the reset button
For three years before my trip to Jordan, I had been putting all my 30-something eggs in one basket. Every dead-end date and unanswered text slapped me hard in the face with the sting of rejection.
Social events and friendly introductions morphed into moments of anxious hope. When you’re looking at every guy you meet – from the bus driver to the courier, to the new work colleague and the single friend-of-a-friend – and the first thing that flashes through your mind is, “maybe he’ll like me”, you know that you’re surfing the sad singleton superhighway.
I was curating and finetuning my stories, but they never had a happy ending. I was becoming my own stuck record, and playing along with the narrative – “How’s the dating going? Hang on in there, it’s a numbers game!”. I was trapped in a self-fulfilling prophecy of my own reckoning – laughing on the outside, crying on the inside as the song goes. Sometimes the only way to escape, is to escape. Jordan was my escape. Adventuring alone, free from expectations, judgements and my inner critic, I found strength, resilience, determination and hope. The relief was palpable; I was transformed.
Seeing the light
What caused this transformation? Quite simply, I saw the light. Shield your eyes – this might hurt a bit.
Monogamous, romantic long-term relationships are NOT a universe-given right.
Ouch, right? Go back, read it again. And breathe.
Truth is, we’ve been sold a pimped-up Hollywood rom-com myth and fallen for it hook, line and sinker. We come into this world alone and we will leave it that way. But here’s the good news – the only person you need to achieve your dreams, ambitions and adventures is YOU. Your legacy, your meaning, your reason for being, comes from YOU. But what about your deepest, wildest romantic daydreams and desires?
Open your eyes – romance is everywhere – it’s in the everyday, the little things, the thrill and wonder of existing as a spec of life in this brief moment of time. Think about your friendships – the sparkle, the laughter, the joy. They are bristling and crackling with sheer, magnificent romance. To hell with having ‘a significant other’ – look around you, your life is filled with significant others. Cherish them.
If you, like me, have spent weeks, months or years searching for ‘the one’, then I want to relieve you of this burden. The search is over. Congratulations! You have always been, in a monogamous, romantic long-term relationship – with yourself.
Reader: you are ‘The One’.
——————————————————————————————————
Sarah Brown is a positive disruptor and explorer of experiences, whose career has taken a winding path through journalism, editing, music promotion, teaching and curriculum design. With her roots currently nourished through education, Sarah is driven by a boundless curiosity about the world we live in and an unquenchable thirst for lifelong learning. Her superpowers are radical honesty, authenticity and swearing, all of which she hopes to channel into a matter-of-fact manifesto for living life. Sarah’s connection to LightWorks stems from a chance encounter and meeting of minds with one of their coaches at a ‘Mindful Walking’ workshop in the Netherlands.
