A Lifestyle of Commitment

DaVonne shares her story in the series: Natural Leadership

DaVonne Armstrong (29) lives in Pennsylvania. From the moment she learned to form a sentence she developed a love for the art of creative writing. Check out her magnificently inspiring blog about being truly honest to yourself and how to give yourself permission to follow through on your commitments.

There are things you learn as a child from your parents and there are things you learn on the journey to adulthood. Most of the time you do not realize you are learning these things until you reach such an age that it all makes sense. Either you have an epiphanic moment or someone points out their admiration for this quality you possess. In my case, I experienced both.

The Moment of Awareness
I did not realize my ethic for commitment was anything special, or extraordinary, until a moment when a dear friend of mine asked me to recommit to a rock band we started as high school aged children. I hesitated. I hesitated because I was thinking deeply about whether I could actually swing the stress of working full-time, going to graduate school part time, and the dedicated effort it required to pick up my bass again and perform with my friends. The idea was exciting and enticing, but I did not want to repeat mistakes of the past and waste anyone’s time. Before I could give him my answer he spoke: “I know. You don’t want to say yes unless you can devote 100% to it. I understand.” Such is a friend you’ve known half your life. He knew from my hesitation, and my facial expressions, no doubt, that I longed deeply to play with them again, but life would not allow it at that time and I would not allow my actions to waste their time.

Some Context
I was not always a person dedicated to ensuring I respected the precious time of others. As a child, I was conditioned to know, to no fault of my mother’s, that if I no longer wanted to do something, I could simply quit. There was no point in torturing myself, if I no longer enjoyed it. Due to this philosophy, while it allowed her to avoid pressuring her daughters into going to dance and sports practices against their will, and essentially escaping inevitable toddler size tantrums, it gave me “an out” from virtually anything that was challenging. I didn’t want to run? I quit soccer. I didn’t want to be in the sun? I quit t-ball. I didn’t feel like waking up early on Saturday? When we moved, I opted not to resume dancing. Ultimately, I had made a lifestyle out of sampling different things and quitting just when they got challenging and I should have transition from introductory levels to intermediate. It was not a matter of whether I was good or bad at these things. In all honesty, there was not much (physically) I was poor at, at that age. I just did not want to commit…..and she made that OK.

Another moment of awareness; the moment I made a change
However, you can imagine the type of young adult this would produce. My friendships were shallow, my romantic relationships were trite. As soon as anything got remotely difficult, I bailed and moved on to the next thing. The turning point came during a junior varsity basketball practice in high school. Feeling unsupported, frustrated and tired during a difficult drill, I stormed off the court ready to call it quits. My coach offered me these words of encouragement: I know this is tough. Don’t quit. You’re not a quitter. You’re a fighter. I see that in you. Keep fighting. I nodded my head, dried my eyes and went back out on the floor to complete practice completely rejuvenated and ready to conquer this drill.

As an adult I look back at those activities that I quit early, soccer, T-ball, dancing, I’ll even include basketball because I quit before the start of my senior year season, and even academics, and  think, wow I was not that bad at any of those things. Just think at how awesome I could have been, of what I could have achieved, had i kept at it and gave more effort. It’s those profound and thought provoking moments that lead me to change my ways.

The Lesson and the practice
The moral of the experience i had with my coach was clear, I was (and am) capable of committing to things when they get tough. From that moment on, I never started something and quit halfway through; I never started something if I did not intend to finish it. I did not walk away from something without good reason to do so. I never pledge my service to anyone if I could not fulfill the duty. I wanted to see how good I could become if I just stuck to it. Obviously this took years to get proficient and is still a work in progress. Over time i refined a practice that allowed me to execute this mission:

(1) Assess the request or situation I am considering; will I grow from the experience? Can I assist someone else in growth? Will this benefit the people around me or myself in anyway? Will I enjoy this experience?

(2) Is this a realistic endeavor? Can I achieve it in an ample amount of time without inconveniencing anyone or disappointing someone, especially myself?

(3)  Planning, making myself accountable (telling friends and family so they hold me accountable or using technology) and showing up to get the task done, mentally and physically.

Ultimately this new lifestyle of commitment I have cultivated for myself boils down to one very common saying, spoken to me by another very dear friend: If someone really wants to do something, they will make the time. I have added to this: Be honest about the things you do not want to do or cannot do at this time. Do not waste time; be upfront. There is no point in starting something you’re not going to finish. Follow through.

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