The Effect of Heritage on the Determination of my Self-Worth
by Chantal Bakker (FemmeChantal)
Until I was about 22 years old, I didn’t know who my biological father was. That did effect my development in several ways. For a very long time I had made myself the victim of that ‘story’. But, let’s be honest, that’s all it ever was.. Just a story in my life. I still have never met the man. Luckily my mom had found a noble man who was willing to step in. She actually did a great job with that, on the exterior it looked like he could have conceived me. This man taught me so many wonderful things, he always appreciated me for my authentic self.
Background
My inner conflict started when I was about 8 years old, a feeling of being torn between two families. Because, both of my parents had chosen a partner of ‘their own color’. It brought up a lot of misunderstanding and got me more confused than most teenagers regarding their identity. Also because it wasn’t until I was 13 that my mom told me that my dad wasn’t my ‘real’ dad. That meant that I had 3 fathers: a biological one, someone who I thought was my dad but didn’t turn out to be, and a stepfather. Because she felt she had to protect me from the first one, she kept avoiding questions regarding him. That hurt me, I felt that I had the right to know who my father was. I wanted to know about that other part of me that I couldn’t recognize in any of my other parents. Since I lived with my mom for most of the time, was being raised by my ‘white parents’ attending a ‘white school’ as a mixed girl becoming a woman. Honestly, I missed a part of myself and felt misunderstood for most of the time.
Pieces of the puzzle
Now, both my stepparents have mostly shown me how I do NOT want to live my life, and that is very valuable, so I am grateful for that. Luckily my mother and I have evolved a lot in the meantime, so we find ourselves in an open and loving relationship. Something I am very thankful for as well. Especially because she just reacted extremely calm when I told her that I’ve had contact with the family of my biological father just a few days ago. It touched me in a way I couldn’t understand with my mind. Frankly, I still can’t, I feel so overwhelmed by the feeling of being loved by people who have never met me in person. It’s as if all of the pieces of the puzzle came together and every single thing in my life now suddenly makes sense, but will still take some time to comprehend. Actually, it’s not like I have any questions for him anymore. For now I believe it is just lovely to know that now I have ‘access’ to my biological relatives who have all welcomed me so lovingly into the family with an open heart. I now understand more about myself.
Good vibes and appreciation
Since I’ve decided a while ago to simply surround myself with honest open people who are truly consciously aware (especially of themselves) and vibrate a sincere loving energy, the people who don’t match that decision just move out of my life. And I connect even deeper with those who do. For me, family means being around people who love and support you unconditionally. A blood-relation can be beneficial to that, for it bonds automatically. But in my perspective it is not necessary and I’m glad that I learned that. Because now I’m able to open up to everybody who sends out good vibes, to be able to inspire each other.
Unconditional (self)love
Like a tree in the wind, who secretly enjoys the strokes of this blowing phenomenon, I still feel like me. To tell you the truth: I love the color of my skin, my curly hair and the fact that I am a woman. But that’s because I embraced the way I entered this world and enjoy life (including the lessons). Furthermore it actually is irrelevant. My relatives, my origin, not even my past determines who I am and what I am capable of. I don’t want to label myself in such a way, for it can restrict me. Honestly I see myself more as a citizen of the world, one with everybody and with nature. Fortunately I have stopped feeling sorry for myself because I couldn’t identify myself and know now that I have the power to decide that for my Self. For years I have felt discriminated because I focused too much on differences instead of this pureness that we all possess when we just slipped out of the womb of our mothers. I don’t want to divide myself or compare myself to others, I just want to shine from within, from the soul. And oh, how wonderful it is to love yourself and be surrounded by pure love. Unconditionally.
